What would you do if your husband told you that you and the kids were a burden and just using him?
My husband won’t watch our 2 kids so that I can get a job. He asked my nephew to come stay with us and work for him during the summer. We have a lawn care business. Due to the weather we are starting late. It was his idea for him to come. We bought a house. It was the one he picked. He said that since I don’t work I don’t get to choose where we live. He used up all of the money I got for an injury on the house. He used all of our tax return on it. OH, did I mention that my name is NOT on the house anywhere including a deed of survivorship. He spends about 500 per month on beer and cigarettes. He won’t watch our 3 and 6 year old so that I can work. he calls it “babysitting”. I thought it was called parenting. Anyhow, now that he used every dime we had on that shit house that needs alot of work. Why keep putting money in and keep yourself broke when its still not fixed enough to live in? Was he right? Are we a burden? Or should I consider divorce. Oh yea, and he didn’t come home last night after calling drunk at midnight to tell me that we were all just using him.
Ass.
He was fine and we got along until about 3 months ago. No, he wasn’t always like this. I beg him to let me work. We have been together 7 years and married for 3. I do everything that he asks. I had a great job before the kids. After having them he wanted me to stay home with them until they go to school.
I forgot to mention that he is a recovering addict and I was proud that he hasn’t used for 7 years. He recently told me that he has been using all along and that I was pretty dumb for not knowing.
I even overlooked the fact that he flipped out on Christmas and kicked holes in walls, shot up the garage, set the chicken coup on fire and spray painted the front of the house. I took the kids and went to moms since they were in Florida. His only excuse was that he hates Christmas. The kids bring it up often. I just want to forget. Again, he just started all of this in November. He wasn’t always like this. He was a good man and great dad before this.
Reader Comments
Not meaning to be rude, but if you stay long after becoming this unhappy and bitter, then you are using him.
I say this to you to sort of wake you up. You have allowed this situation to occur.
I doubt he became a jerk overnight.
He’s an @ss. Grab your kids and get out of there.
that’s very harsh, i would be so hard broken i’d just take my kids and leave. can’t be with someone who sees me and his own kids as burdens..
it’s very sad when a spouse or parent sees you as an object of uselessness..
And the other side of the story is???
If you are so unhappy, why do you stay?? Hopefully it isn’t because you are using your husband.
The two of you need to sit down and decide upon a split of labor and finances.
Ugh, you need to dump this jerk.
Tell him to start paying the babysitter. I think you should leave him and get a job. When you have a job you can pay for childcare yourself.
You should more than consider divorce – you should pursue it. This alcoholic spouse of yours is doing what he is doing to keep you inferior to him and to leave you no options – it is allllll about control for him, and he is controlling you completely. Don’t worry about what he says – in divorce, your needs should be provided for.
Exactly how long did it take him to convince himself that cheating on you would be acceptable and your fault?
Wow.
You have chosen to stay this long. Surely none of this is new? Only you can choose to leave.
sounds somewhat like my parents’ relationship, except my dad isn’t a drunk. My dad calls my mother every name in the book, won’t let her work, won’t let her go to the store, won’t let her do anything. I hate it, but I know my mom doesn’t hate it enough to leave him. Just know that he’ll most likely never change and as your kids grow up, they’ll probably take some of the abuse as well. It’s sad because if you leave, your children will not get to have a close relationship with their father, but avoiding any abuse is well worth it.
You need to dump this loser asshole NOW, get OUT and move on, he is a loser and will always be a loser. Get yourself and your kids away from him so you can lead decent lives.
There are some conflictual issues here in the way that you both see parenting.
It appears that your husband may believe that the children are your responsibility. He is not wrong. Many men need to live their provider roles. Women will do one of two things: 1) encourage men’s efforts to provide or 2) rip them down, nag. The second will start to cause the relationship issues.
Men work to provide and not every man is willing to stay home with their children because it is not a part of their identity. They may help and can learn how to parent but they may see the role of care as that of the woman.
It appears that you are ripping down and not satisfied with his efforts. And in truth he is trying to do a good job. It is not the money per say. 1) There is a business–he is trying to be self sustaining.
2) Men are suppose to provide a house for their family–he has done this (money together is about family not individual needs–it appears this man is a “family man” and thinking about FAMILY)
3) You name may not be on the deed, but some men set up their death wishes, insurances etc. so that the wife and children can benefit from everything once they die.
4) Houses need work. They need upgrading–if he wants to make it nice for you what is the real problem?
5) You may be a burden by the way you are acting. Are you helping or always complaining? Are you ever waking up and being grateful saying “thank you for all you are doing for me and the children?” Are you thankful for a man who married you and trying to raise a family the best way he knows how? What messages are you conveying? You may not mean to make him feel that you are using him, but your attitude, ungratefulness and always wanting more, may give him the message of being used–and he would not be wrong.
Neither one of you are right here.
The drinking and not coming home should be a signal to you. You are ruining the relationship and if you don’t change you will loose…
We can only change ourselves then others will change. Are you creating an atmosphere of love so that he comes home and feels like he is a “king” of the castle? When a wife fulfills her husbands need to feel like the man of her home, the man will do wonders in return.
If you want to work, or the issue if money, maybe start a home daycare. This way you can still watch your children and then make money as well. It appears that there is some business savvy aspect to your life. Many at home moms make business at home. Check out the web for women who did and get some ideas. It may be an opportunity right before your eyes. Apoligize to your husband and start demonstrating some appreciation and love….
All the best.
If he thinks that having you and your children are such a burden to him, why don’t you give him a chance to see what life is without you. If you have family or a friend’s house that you can move to, why don’t you leave and go there. If you don’t have a place to go, contact the dept. of social services and get information to assist homeless women with children. You may have to swallow your pride and move into a shelter, but you will get the help you need to get your own place and assistance with job training to help you get a job. It’s obvious that he doesn’t want you and the kids there so seek other options and I pray that doors will open to help you leave. God bless.
Ah… I think the underlining problem is his drug use. Don’t for one instant think that you or the children are the problem in this situation. If you love him and want to work it out, I’d give him an ultimatum- either he gets help and gets constant drug scannings or you leave with the kids. If you end up leaving- some states will give you money to start your life over. I’d recommend looking for a job now in your free time, even if he wont watch the kids. You need to get into a situation where you don’t rely upon his income if he decides to continue his drug use. I’d also find out if his nephew is a user to- if so that person needs to be erased from the home immediately.
Be strong. Remember Chaka Khan “I’m Every Woman”. That song has gotten me through some rough situations.
this guy sounds like my husband what a loser! leave him he has no respect for you.
Sweetheart….What have you gotten yourself into here? This man is an addict and an alcoholic and yet he has used YOUR money from an injury to purchase your home and your name is NOT on it? WTF?
You should have seen to it that both of your names is on the deed….and now that all of this has gone down, he is telling you that you and the children are a burden on him? Well how very convenient of him.
You and your children are not a burden. That man is a user and he has used you for what he could get.
Now that he has got you where he wants you….broke without your name on the deed, he is pushing you out of the picture. That man is pure evil.
You need to get a lawyer to protect your rights and your investment in your home. If this were me, I would be doing everything in my power to get my name on that home and see to it that you and your children are protected before he winds up getting drunk enough and high enough and throwing you out with nothing.
YOU HAVE RIGHTS HERE….do not let him get away with taking you to the cleaners and then leave you high and dry.
He is a poor excuse for a man. He doesn’t deserve you and his kids…..he is only thinking of himself here.
You need to right these wrongs, get a job, get out from under the “BURDEN” of this loser of a man.
Honey, he will take your right down into the gutter with him if you don’t protect yourself first, and then get out of this relationship.
I am so sorry that you are going through this hell with him right now….Keep your sights on the future, and do what you need to do for yourself and your children….
The man is spiraling down into the depths of hell….Do Not let him take his family with him….
Get a lawyer and get out…..Start a new life far far away from this jack@$$ of a man….!!!!
(YOU are not dumb for not realizing he was still using….addicts are EXTREMELY good at covering their tracks….he is the one with the problems and it is sad he has been lying to you for such a long time)….
My ex used to tell me that every time he didn’t like something i did or said, i was a burden to him so I left, best thing ive ever done.